Extreme Makeover: Improve Readability And Watch Your Results Multiply

A property management company in Texas wants to get realtors who have homes that won’t sell to turn them into rentals. Their value proposition is good, and the information in their letter is good… but the formatting makes reading this like trying to run naked through an overgrown jungle. Too much stuff in the way to make much progress.

SUBHEADLINE

A centered, 4-line paragraph with no logical line breaks is murder to read. The reader can’t tell at a glance what the writer wants him to know. Any time the brain has to slow down and sort stuff out, you’re sunk.

2ND SUBHEADLINE

Nobody knows what a “Realtor Relief” program is. As a rule, don’t attach a name to stuff if people have no idea what you’re talking about. Only introduce a name like this AFTER it’s clear what said program entails.

BULLET PARAGRAPHS

Why not just ask your reader to drop and give you 50 pushups? The amount of work they’re going to have to perform to to power through these bullets will feel just as hard. You’ve got to give readers visual clues as to what they can expect from each bullet.

SUMMARY HEADLINE

They’re asking me to call to take advantage of something that I very likely have no idea what it is. The call to action is weak, the layout is suspect, and the wording is feeble. Can you say “underleveraged results,” boys and girls?

THE PS

The PS message is way too assumptive, especially given the shaky nature of the prospect’s likelihood of actually having read the entire letter. The PS should introduce stand-alone benefits or re-emphasize something important.

Want to find out more? Get a MARKETING EVALUATION